taking on the darjeeling dare

mahal,

Until last week, I did not see myself running after that proverbial train. I simply didn’t care. So many have passed me by already and have left me believing people always leave. That there is no forever. Not for me.

Then you came. I’ve started wondering maybe I have been wrong. Maybe I just didn’t understand how this whole thing- this fate, love, commitment mixture works.

I am unsure about catching the train. I have never committed to anyone. Had no one commit to me. I still can’t see my future because my future is full of curbs and blindspots- the way I want it. I avoid the long straight line- of knowing precisely what comes next. Of being too sure. Of finding the one now. Now when I only know two things to do when made to choose: fight or flight.

My friends say I wear my heart on my sleeve. That I put too much of my heart out there. But I have not really given much to anyone. I have never lost myself. I may have loved freely but I have never let anyone pierce through me so much so that I would fear losing out on things while I go about my ways- of not having kids (because will I really find a man who wouldn’t want to have a child in his likeness?); of dying (what kind of person in love would wish misery on someone who has his life latched unto hers?); of being whimsical (who wouldn’t want consistency in a relationship?). I am a slave to both my ego and id. Even with you now, I am still me.

But unlike you, I am not afraid of the what ifs. What if we grow too comfortable? What if we run out of interesting things to say to each other. What if this is just mere attraction – of finding a kindred soul at this turn in our lives. What if I’m not the one. What if there’s no such thing as the ‘one’. What if there’s no such thing as the ‘one’ for me or you.

I am taking you on your condition: to speak up when this thing gets too much to handle or falls below expectations.

I need to believe first that the train is worth catching.

Because I’m running without any baggage. And I see you still have yours. But like I told you. As long as you hold my hand, I won’t let go.

We can catch the train or we can stop running after it. Plop down on the grass and enjoy the view of the here and the now. and not care if it takes us a hundred years forever wondering what comes next.

Because the future doesn’t matter to me as much as the hand that holds mine now.

I told you I am not simple. I am not low maintenance. I want more from life. I need to feel that you are drowning in me. Overwhelmed by me. Consumed by me. I just can’t have it otherwise.

Your turn. Fight or flight?

everything fades

i tell them not to worry. everything fades with me.

it comes faster than you think. ask mellon. ask ian. ask pan. ask eli. ask jig. ask moi. ask savvy. ask jan. ask troy.

only one says it's taking forever. and even him can't keep me.

we are only here for a moment.

and even time can't have me.

i'm counting down the days till you are here. i'm counting down the days till i fade for you.

morning after

i woke up this morning. late again for work. i woke an hour and a half past the time i'm supposed to be already hunched over my laptop, done with checking the email, and already half-way through a new FAQ.

i woke up with a hollow feeling in my chest, as if my lungs got filled up with too much air and the cavities were screaming from overstretch. air that was dead. air that was starting to balloon my brain.

my eyelids were heavy- weak against the morning sun bursting from the tiny open window of my bedroom. i crawled under the comforter although it was damn warm. i crawled as if i was crawling into the dark hole in the ground.

i didn't want to face today. this present where nothing we talked about last night is real. today, we go back to being dumb dumbs.

365 days

remember how it was last year? three candles atop the chocolate cake. your eyes smiling. amused. surprised. i lighted those candles. afterwards we went down for coffee and smokes. it was only days ago that i saw bismuth's mix- oct 2007 on my desk. a song about a 400-horsepower black mustang exploding on the highway like a slug from a .45

with or without you. it was great this year. the trick or treat fiesta of sorts. remember that kid in a tigger suit? how we thought it would be cooler if he was dressed up like kurt cobain in that mtv unplugged session? did the marks of the face paint go away? the dragon on your forehead.

the other day, Wil wondered about you. commenting that his PSP is already a year older too because he got at this time of the year last year, he remembered. you know how he is. he can copy voices. so he imitated you borrowing the console and getting caught by her while you were deep into the game.

remember the short girl you had more than 2 bottles of beer with? that night you drank cerveza negra because that was what i was drinking someplace else. she misses you too. we had fun before. we were like kids in college running about this place. not trying to fit in at all. we were carving our own niche with our own clique.

oh, i forgot. you'd be sad to know they shut down hot and saucy. and that burger place upstairs. all that's left of our hangout is coffee cal. amusing how much things change for the ones left behind.

so how was yesterday? was there cake?

here's how i'm celebrating your birthday

i'm flying off to cebu for the weekend. there's a national beer drinking competition and i got invited to watch. have free booze. bum in a nice hotel at the beach front. bikinis. bikinis. beer. beer. and some stray jack daniels.

i'm loving JD these days. learned to drink it a year ago. somebody told me it's the drink of the loser stuck in agony and despair. i don't think i'm a loser. i can deal with stuck. i drink it straight without even ice now. how about that?

there's something in its smoky aroma. the first shot that momentarily burns my lips and leaves with a slight tingly sensation at the back of my tongue. and for a while my mind spaces out, fills up with a heady rush of sadness and longing and contemplation that lasts only seconds. as the whiskey courses down my throat, all my senses dwell on its trail of heat. i become closed to the outside world. there is only me. after the first shot, i watch the remaining amber liquid sit in my glass, like it can keep a secret and drown it forever. life is an illusion in its protracted light.

changed

my hair was thinning. or was i being paranoid? anyway, i cut my very long hair (that reached down to my waist). and now it's short. very short. just a little below my earlobes now. and i feel a little more free.

i have no money. or am i just too extravagant on my "obligations"? anyway, i retired my xda after 3 years. i loved that phone but it hurt to see it being held together by scotch tape now. it was very good to me. and now i got sucked in to this overly commercialized iPhone 3G. i miss my xda mini. it still calls out to me.

but the past has a way of catching up with me. i told her to let me be. that i won't meet up with ian. that it's not true he's not yet over me. he left me, didn't he? what's the point of her bugging me? see, i've got new hair now. new phone. i've got someone new too (oh wait. i'm in the process of forgetting that someone).

and the other girl who stole my could have been wants to be friends with me. bugging me. what the hell's wrong with people? i've cut them all off already. i'm restraining myself from telling her if she does not leave me alone, she'd lose a husband. because he still loves me. loves me more. or maybe not. i don't believe him. but that's what he tells me. i don't really care. i've moved on.

my friend mussolini loves popping balloons. those girls mentioned above, will lose their happy balloons if they keep bugging me. move on people. i just happened to have long hair, a good career, legs that look good in short skirts; they just happened to like conversing with me. i was just being me. and i'm still me, sans the long hair. but leave me alone.

uh-oh

no way you are like them. how can it be? i don't even try. drink your beer and let me be.
are you amused by my stories? i've got plenty. walk away while you can.
is it how i look at you from across the room? the side glances and the unabashed smiles. i do that every time. i'm a creep. i'm so fuckin' special. walk away now while you still can.

say what again? you like me and you wish i were there. do you imagine how lightly i stroked your arm with the tips of my nails? don't. stop while i can.

it's the same story over and over and over and over. and it always ends the same. don't ask me what happens. if you get on board this crazy roller coaster ride, you'll find out soon. but go, while you can still feel your legs.

did you spend your weekend staring out into the water? conjuring up mythical islands in the sun. drink your beer. let me be. you won't be different from them.